As fallen publishing maven Judith Regan so eloquently reminded us all this week, the Jews do own the media. While there are some who want to deny this, Regan's thesis regarding a "Jewish cabal" that controls the universe of publishing and the mass media is correct. In addition, we Jews also control the banks (as evidenced by the record bonuses being handed out this season by GOLDMAN Sachs) and most of the governments of the world. Then there are a hanful of lesser-know consortiums the Jews control, such as the one responsible for doling out convenient parking spots in close proximity to our favorite brunch spots.

Yet despite this immense and conspiratorial ownership of most of the world's wealth, some of us Jews are not getting our share. I for, one, have not received a residual check since 1997. I think there was a glitch when I filled out a change of address form at that time (we Jews do not control the Postal Service, as it requires too much walking around). As a result, I have become an oxymoron. That's right: I'm Jewish. But I'm poor. This has left me in the slightly awkward position of having to miss out on many of the advantages of my Hebraic heritage, such as siphoning off profits to Israel, keeping the residents of North Dakota in low-wage jobs and being able to afford a weekly meal at Barney Greengrass.

So I make this heartfelt plea to Ms. Regan: Please help me get back on the list. You clearly have evidence of this cabal, and, perhaps, you have a way to contact them. Can you send them my new address (I'm in Brooklyn, home to a many a poor Jew)? Can you make certain I receive all the back pay I am owed? Will you, in short, assist me in becoming the kind of Jew who has the power to block your O.J. book from happening?

Happy Hannukah, Judith.

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