As fallen publishing maven Judith Regan so eloquently reminded us all this week, the Jews do own the media. While there are some who want to deny this, Regan's thesis regarding a "Jewish cabal" that controls the universe of publishing and the mass media is correct. In addition, we Jews also control the banks (as evidenced by the record bonuses being handed out this season by GOLDMAN Sachs) and most of the governments of the world. Then there are a hanful of lesser-know consortiums the Jews control, such as the one responsible for doling out convenient parking spots in close proximity to our favorite brunch spots.

Yet despite this immense and conspiratorial ownership of most of the world's wealth, some of us Jews are not getting our share. I for, one, have not received a residual check since 1997. I think there was a glitch when I filled out a change of address form at that time (we Jews do not control the Postal Service, as it requires too much walking around). As a result, I have become an oxymoron. That's right: I'm Jewish. But I'm poor. This has left me in the slightly awkward position of having to miss out on many of the advantages of my Hebraic heritage, such as siphoning off profits to Israel, keeping the residents of North Dakota in low-wage jobs and being able to afford a weekly meal at Barney Greengrass.

So I make this heartfelt plea to Ms. Regan: Please help me get back on the list. You clearly have evidence of this cabal, and, perhaps, you have a way to contact them. Can you send them my new address (I'm in Brooklyn, home to a many a poor Jew)? Can you make certain I receive all the back pay I am owed? Will you, in short, assist me in becoming the kind of Jew who has the power to block your O.J. book from happening?

Happy Hannukah, Judith.

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By now you've probably read some of the coverage about Yoko Ono and the Turkish chauffeur, and the accusations they are trading back and forth. The story is a little muddled, as are most things that involved the woman who broke up the Beatles.

But the most frightening part of this saga of extortion is the possiblity that photographs of Ms. Ono, taken in what the reports are calling "private moments," might be made public. We've seen Yoko partially clad before, and it was not a pretty sight.

One can only imagine what 35 years or so has done.

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Updated on 12/14/06 at 6:18 p.m.
As Todd Jackson is reporting at Dead Frog, this whole thing was a hoax. That actually makes it even more despicable.

----------below is the original (now erroneous) post----------

I don't want to advocate the spread of violence and vigilante justice at comedy clubs across this great Republic of ours, but it's probably fair to say that Pauly Shore had this coming (if, for no other reason than for giving the world "Encino Man").

Check out this footage of totally Pauly getting totally floored by a large Southern man, on stage, at the 8th Street Comedy Club in Odessa, Texas. Apparently he didn't get the joke.

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Today's Slate has a thoughtful obit/cultural analysis of George W. S. Trow, the New Yorker writer who died last week. Trow was a hero of mine, and his landmark work, "Within the Context of No Context," was a rambling, brilliant and exceedingly personal attack on the emergence of the television culture. As much as anything, his writing eulogized the loss of manners that came with the descendency of WASP culture (of which he was a part) in the 60s and 70s.

What Metcalf does well is to assess Trow from both sides, ultimately concluding that Trow's beloved WASP hegemony had to be dismantled, for reasons of Democracy and equality and power distribution, though doing ultimately came with certain costs (the rise of vulgarity; the creation of a media culture of hustlers, etc.). The gates may be more open today, but we have "American Idol" and Life + Style magazine as a result.

I suppose I begrudgingly agree with Metcalf, though Trow couldn't help but argue from the side of privilege, since that was his background. If nothing else, perhaps his death will alert more people to his work and his unique brand of cultural criticism.

Godspeed, George.

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Robert Gates, the former CIA Director tapped by President Bush to replace outsed Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfuld, is only half as corrupt as the man whose job he will take, according to sources within the White House. "Gates' threshold for corruption, profiteering and beginning armed conflict for personal gain is some 50% lower than what we saw with Rumsfeld," said a government doctor who wishes to remain anonymous. "Thus, the chances of another Iraq happening under his watch are 1 out of 2, instead of absolutely certain, as they were under the former Secretary." For this reason, most experts believe Gates will be confirmed without any major roadblocks.

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