Recent Posts

Rummy, We Hardly Knew Ya!!!Now She Can Add "Sexy Divorcee" To Her List of AttributesProduct Placement in The World SeriesButterflies in OctoberTwo Years Late, But "Lost" No LongerHatemail and Some HousekeepingIs the NYT Crossword Making Subtle Editorial Comments?Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip: Where Are The Jews?


A Full Belly Allen Salkin Anna David Apartment Therapy Bob Sassone Bookslut Brownstoner Chris Regan's Mythstory Craig Baldo Curbed Dave Hill Dave Rubin Dead Frog Defamer Dumbo NYC DumboBeat Entre Nous Eric Drysdale Gawker Globorati I Hate My Miserable Life Ian Kerner Jack Kukoda John Hodgman Jordan Carlos Low Culture Neal Pollack's Maelstrom New York Cycle Club Nick Kroll Radar Online Radosh The American Scene The Apiary The Borowitz Report The Detroit Free Press The Lusty Lady The New York Observer The Onion Wikipedia Wonkette Zach Galifianakis

December 21, 2005

What December Dilemma?: Why Jews Love Christmas


(We interrupt transit strike hysteria to bring you the following:)

In a few short days, Jews everywhere will look on with envy as the Gentile world celebrates Christmas. For although some experts contend that a rigid non-secular orthodoxy polarizes the various sects that make up this great nation, many of us in the Jewish faith secretly long to celebrate Christmas, and we embrace this holiday as our own. Some of us are even 'Yuletide Jews,' sneaking off to indulge in holiday festivities and other forms of jolliness behind closed doors. Why do we Jews love Christmas so much?

Christmas Is One Day, Not Eight: While the conventional wisdom among non-Jews suggests that the eight nights of Hanukkah yields a bigger bonanza of gifts, this has not proven itself out over time, as any Jew will tell you. In fact, the so-called 'eight night's theory' often works against the gift recipient, because gift givers can string together a series of cheap presents and feel they've been generous. It's quality, not quantity that counts. Moreover, the serial nature of Hanukkah requires interaction with relatives for a week's worth of evenings. Christmas celebrators can meet their familial obligations over an extended, egg nog-filled morning, with the freedom to be back home in time to watch reruns of Law & Order that afternoon.

Christmas Occurs on a Fixed Annual Date: Christmas may come only once a year, but at this point in time, most people know what that exact date will be. When will Hanukkah occur? It's easier to perfect cold fusion than it is to make this prediction. The festival of lights can fall anywhere between Labor Day and December 31, and it changes annually. For a Chosen people, we are remarkably indecisive on this issue. In fact we cannot even agree upon a spelling for our holiday.

Christmas Allows More Interaction With Nature: The Yuletide season brings a bonanza of oxygen-rich greenery: Enormous Douglas fir trees brimming with verdant life, wreaths woven of holly, mistletoe hung from every last doorway. Entering a home decorated for Christmas is like walking through a botanical garden. What do Jews get? A sparse Hanukkah bush, if we're lucky. And, as it turns out, most Jews avoid the lighted bushes altogether, remembering that our last experience such an object led to forty years of wandering through the desert. Even with the advent of iPods and bottled water, this is a destiny most Jews are not anxious to repeat.

Christmas Meals Are Not Entirely Potato-Based: Like Communism and the launch of new Coke, potato latkes are wonderful in theory. But after the first dozen or so, the heavy, flour-based fried objects begin to lose their appeal, and they are hell for anyone trying to follow Atkins. Yet, eat them we must. Sure, we get to dress latkes with all manner of topping, but this does not make for a well-balanced meal, despite the contention of certain Talmudic scholars that sour cream and apple sauce, when mixed together, constitute an as-yet unnamed sixth food group.

Christmas Is Recognized As An Actual Holiday: Despite the fact the we have been in business for nearly 6,000 years, the Jewish people have not been able to successfully convince human resource departments that Hanukkah is a legitimate holiday. For this reason, Jews who wish to observe in an environment free of PowerPoint presentations must use valuable vacation or personal time. This often requires groveling, the filing of paperwork and confusing discussions involving the term 'rollover days.' Christmas, on the other hand, is universally viewed as a national slack period of rest when only Scrooges and medical professionals would deign to toil in their respective workplaces.


This Jew hates, I mean really hates xmas.
I hate the forced merriment!
I hate the music!
I hate the decorations, except the nice people who hanged Santa in their front yards!
I hate all the wasted electricity, which consumes valuable natural gas and makes heating my home more expensive!
I hate the poor innocent trees murdered by mishagoyim to stick in their living rooms for 3 weeks and then dumped at the curb!
I hate the crowds!
I hate everything about this rotten, asinine "holiday"!
Give me Halloween anytime.

I'm a Muslim and I think Christmas is the best holiday for giving gifts and bodily services. Hookers have special discounts because of Christmas, and I, among many other people, love to take advantage of the situation (in more ways than one).

I think Christmas has a suckier color scheme than Hanukah. Red + green vs. blue + silver? Not even up for debate.

The Music! Don't forget Christmas Carols and the other music, some insipid but most is a delight. (Are there any carols that aren't Christmas Carols?)

I am not Jewish and Christmas is not a seasonal holiday, it's a religious one. Plus it's essentially a bright spot in a dark dreary winter. So of course, growing up those of us who celebrate Christmas can't escape the magical feeling. But... you can't blame us for the Christmas songs. Oddly enough it seems to me most Christmas songs were written by Jews.So do your homework, check it out, and I think you'll agree that the majority of Christmas carols in popular music were written by Jews. It's true, can't help it. Of course if you don't celebrate Christmas, you don't hear the religious Christmas music, most of which was written by Christians. But if you can't handle the holly-jolly standards we've grown weary of, you have blame the Jewish songwriters who wrote them. Hey, the greatest Christmas album of all time, was made by Phil Spector. I do believe he is Jewish and at the moment pretty crazy as well.

i wonder what u are really, anyhow give yourself a break

You wonder who I really am? Give myself a break? Go buy Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond's Christmas albums and have yrself a merry little Christmas now.

a very friendly site. have a nice day!

Post a comment

(We want to hear your thoughts—if you haven't left a comment here before, you may need to be approved before your lovely words are published. This should only take a second or so.)



©2004 by Peter Hyman. All rights reserved.
Website designed by Mediarology